Post by InuYasha on Jun 12, 2004 0:45:35 GMT -5
A man walks into a bar, absolutely infuriated. He grabs a seat and hunches over. The bartender leans over, sayin "What can I get'ya". The man orders a beer. As the bartender gives him the beer he asks him why he's in such a mood. The man replies saying " Lawyers are assholes man." Suddenly, a man in the back stood up. "HEY BUDDY, I TAKE OFFENCE TO THAT!" The man sitting down scowels and says "What are you a lawyer?" The man replies "NO, IM AN asshole".
How to Beat a Speeding Ticket
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Once there was a robber that loved to rob houses(o i thought he was a dentist)and one day he went to this one house to rob it(o i though to get his teeth cleaned?)
and there was a bird and when the man walked in the bird said Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you. and the man said shut up bird so the guy stole some stuff and the bird again said Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you so the guy ignores him and keeps robbing then he goes to leave and the bird said again Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you, then the man opens the door and there is a huge rotwiler in front of him and the bird said i told ya so i told ya so(for those who don't get it the dog's name is Jesus)
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is Santa Claus male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, Santa Claus is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is Santa Claus black or white?"
"Well, Santa Claus is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is Santa Claus gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, Santa Claus is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is Santa Claus Michael Jackson?"
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"
The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.
The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."
The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word."
The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo- choo."
The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.
Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.
"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the shit."
How to Beat a Speeding Ticket
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
Once there was a robber that loved to rob houses(o i thought he was a dentist)and one day he went to this one house to rob it(o i though to get his teeth cleaned?)
and there was a bird and when the man walked in the bird said Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you. and the man said shut up bird so the guy stole some stuff and the bird again said Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you so the guy ignores him and keeps robbing then he goes to leave and the bird said again Jesus is watching you Jesus is watching you, then the man opens the door and there is a huge rotwiler in front of him and the bird said i told ya so i told ya so(for those who don't get it the dog's name is Jesus)
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender explains that the bar doesn't have any quackers.
The next day, the same duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender for some quackers. The bartender again explains that the bar doesn't serve quackers.
Sure enough, the very next day, the duck again walks into the bar and asks for some quackers. The bartender screams at the duck, "If you come in here one more time, I'm going to nail your beak into the wall with a hammer and some nails! "
A few days pass, and then the duck walks into the bar again.The bartender notices the duck and says, "I'm warning you!"
The duck replies, "Do you have a hammer?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender replies, "No!"
The duck grins and asks, "Do you have any quackers?"
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is Santa Claus male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, Santa Claus is both male and female."
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is Santa Claus black or white?"
"Well, Santa Claus is both black and white."
This further confuses him so he asks, "Is Santa Claus gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, Santa Claus is both gay and straight."
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is Santa Claus Michael Jackson?"
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," Little Johnny sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right, dear. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, and have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Little Johnny, you're turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed Little Johnny said, "can I kill it?"
The kindergarten class were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten, so she asked them to use grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them what they had done during the summer.
The first little one said, "I went to see my Nana."
The teacher said, "No, you went to see your grandmother. That's the grown-up word."
The next little one said, "I went on a trip on a choo- choo."
The teacher again said, "No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown-up word."
Then, the teacher asked Little Johnny what he did during the summer.
Little Johnny proudly said that he read a book.
"What book did you read?" asked the teacher.
Little Johnny puffed out his chest, and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the shit."
[/glow]